Tuesday of the Fourteenth Week in Ordinary Time

Lectionary: 384

Friar-priests Simon and David

After he had taken them across the stream

and had brought over all his possessions,

Jacob was left there alone.

Then some man wrestled with him until the break of dawn.

When the man saw that he could not prevail over him,

he struck Jacob’s hip at its socket,

so that the hip socket was wrenched as they wrestled.

I don't know that everyone wrestles with God. A lot of us do. Somewhere between my love of God and my obedience is my ego. It's fastened to me like a wood tick and almost as ugly.

The ego appears in dozens of ways but I notice it first as an interior dialogue: I should do this. I don't want to. Psychologists say that is how the toddlers first identify the self. They discover that Wonder Word, “No!” With practice they realize they can think and feel on their own; they can form attitudes and make decisions beyond the control of their parents.

That's a good thing. Everyone should recognize the autonomy and integrity of the self. She will never be able to "Do unto others as you would have them do to you" if she does not know who the "you" is. How can you imagine what others might want if you don't even know what you want? 

Psychologists also point out that some children lose the battle with their parents for the self. When parents tells her she wants this, she does want "this." When parent says she is happy, she supposes this is happiness. 

To find himself Saint Francis finally had to walk out of his father's house, where he had been trained to be merchant and aspired to knighthood. Homeless and hungry, he discovered what he really wanted with all his heart -- to be a disciple of Jesus. (He had no aptitude for sales and had failed miserably at fighting. The only thing he was good at was throwing money away!) 

Perhaps that is what God loved about Jacob. The grandson of Abraham who had dickered for the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah, he was clever like his grandfather; and charming like his mother. 

If he was willful he could offer all the more will to God than his vacant father. Isaac was way too compliant on Mount Moriah. Half a century later, when he suspected Jacob was impersonating Esau Isaac proceeded with the blessing. He knew Rebekah was somewhere close by; if she had set the whole thing up there was no point in resisting her. 

Saint Augustine Zhao and companions

The Saints Francis and Clare, on the other hand, were extraordinarily willful people. They set out to imitate Jesus in his poverty and nothing could deter them. They became great saints by surrendering their huge egos to God. 

It's not a bad thing to have an ego, but we do have to notice when it gets in the way of God's providential goodness. I have only one ego to give, worth about a penny, to whom shall I give it?