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| The original MSF friary; the sisters' convent when I was a student; now the Fr John Loftus House of Prayer |
"If you forgive men their transgressions,
your heavenly Father will forgive you.
But if you do not forgive men,
neither will your Father forgive your transgressions."
Forgiveness has never come easily for me. I've known some friars who could not and would not carry a grudge. It had something to do with their genetics and much to do with grace. But I was never so disposed.
Of course, I thought I was for a long time. "If the Lord says I should forgive then, by golly, I do forgive!" But I didn't. And it took a long time to see that.
Sometimes I wonder if I've ever forgiven my sixth grade teacher. The poor old woman was teaching her fiftieth class, and there were fifty of us in it. She must have dreaded each day she walked into that room stinking of sweating children. She and I had one thing in common: neither of us could hear very well. She thought I was ignoring her when I couldn't hear her. She thought I was mumbling when I answered her questions. I thought she had taken a particular dislike to me, and I didn't know why.
I have prayed for her these fifty-plus years since but have never felt forgiveness flow through me. Perhaps forgiveness is not a feeling. How does one feel when one forgives?
There have been many others I carried a particular animus against. I've prayed for some of them. Others I forgot until some hurtful incident scraped off the old scab and revived the pain.
I think the human being is a very sensitive creature. We are easily wounded, easily traumatized. We might prefer to think otherwise but in our later years old wounds come back to life.
I've certainly been the rounds with my deceased parents. I think I only true forgave them when I realized that I would not trade them for any two people on earth. I remain intensely loyal to them and treasure their memory more with each passing year. Since that day I don't miss them anymore. They are closer to me now than ever before.
They say, "You always hurt the one you love." Perhaps healed hurt, graced by loyalty and affection, is the only true sign of forgiveness.
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I love to write. This blog helps me to meditate on the Word of God, and I hope to make some contribution to our contemplations of God's Mighty Works.
Ordinarily, I write these reflections two or three weeks in advance of their publication. I do not intend to comment on current events.
I understand many people prefer gender-neutral references to "God." I don't disagree with them but find that language impersonal, unappealing and tasteless. When I refer to "God" I think of the One whom Jesus called "Abba" and "Father", and I would not attempt to improve on Jesus' language.
You're welcome to add a thought or raise a question.