Friday of the Twenty-second Week in Ordinary Time

 Lectionary: 435

Thus should one regard us: as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. 
Now it is of course required of stewards that they be found trustworthy.

On this day in 1971, I vowed to remain with the Lord, the Church, and the Conventual Franciscan Order for the rest of my life. I would live without property, in chastity, and under obedience to the ministers of my community and the authority of the Church. 

I had recently graduated with a bachelor's degree in English literature and, within the month, would begin theological studies for the priesthood. I hoped to become an administrator of the mysteries of God.

I now live in retirement at Saint Anthony Church in Clarksville, Indiana, one of three retired priests in the rectory/friary. (The pastor is a youth of 74 years.) We pray daily for the Church and our immortal souls; and each serves as he is able. 

Early in my career, I found great reassurance and guidance in Saint Paul's response to his Corinthian critics: 

It does not concern me in the least

that I be judged by you or any human tribunal;

He knew from the Lord and the Church that he was an apostle; and would not listen to the carping of individuals who understood neither his call nor his commission. He knew he must occasionally make hard decisions for his congregations, and that many of them -- especially the new, gentile converts -- had little understanding of his ministry. They certainly had no standing when it came time to judge an apostle. 

I too have heard many criticisms of the Church from many who have no idea what the Church represents and for Whom she speaks.

The clincher for me was his next remark: 

I do not even pass judgment on myself;
I am not conscious of anything against me,
but I do not thereby stand acquitted;
the one who judges me is the Lord.

Even when I confess my sins I should not judge myself. Despite my anointing as an administrator I do not have that authority. More recently I found a helpful explanation in the writings of Adrienne von Speyr: 

Those who know what love means know that in confessing their sins on the basis of the law, they are unable to speak of their real sins. The law is simply incapable of registering or expressing their sins. Even if a man has really committed the various wrongs that he confesses, the sum of these formulated wrongs is never identical with his sin before God. An accusation formulated according to the law is a symbolic accusation. But when a sinner who knows what love is examines his conscience in order to show it to God in [the Sacrament of] Confession, he sees within his soul, a formless swamp of sin.... 

John, the Word becomes Flesh: Volume One: Adrienne von Speyr, Pages 128 and 129 

So I confess my sins as I am able; but I cannot pretend to describe the height, width, and depth of my guilt. Much less their gravity, which is a weight too heavy to bear. The Lord has taken that upon himself and carried it in my name, as I carry the crosses I have been assigned and bear them in his name. And I thank him daily for what he has done for me. 

I don't suppose I'll carry on for another 55 years. That too is not my concern. But I look forward to that great celebration when all the universe will recognize Mary's Son as Priest, Prophet, Lord, and King.